I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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