You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
