He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
