Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
