I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
