tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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