you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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