I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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