its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
