if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
