What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
