i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
