you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
