I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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