I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
