The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
