he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
