she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
