I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
