My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
accomplished twins. life is a go
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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