The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
