the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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