Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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