I think my vagina is haunted
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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