I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
