If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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