sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
