You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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