she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
