i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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