She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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