i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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