you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
