the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
