Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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