tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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