I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
