I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
