Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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