so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
