i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
