you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
