watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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