I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
