I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
