Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
