You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
