I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
