So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
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I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize