I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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