i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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