Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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