and she was petting her beer can
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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