she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
