i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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