we have pet lesbian snakes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
