I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
