Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
